Monday, December 17, 2007

1 & 1/2 and already an inconsistant restaurant critic.

There's a really great pizza place around the corner on Noriega called The Pizza Place on Noriega. It's owned by some hard core Red Sox fans from I'd go there even if the food wasn't really fricking good, which it is. Snappy loves it. Pizza is her favorite solid food, so she really goes to town on a plain cheese slice. The waitress coos at her "How you enjoying that slice" to which she replies "Mmmmmm". Admirers figure she is a cute toddler who likes to eat pizza. I figure she's a culinary genius with a palate worthy of the Cordon Blue.

Last week, we went to Milano's pizza for some post-tree buying grub. Supposedly, they're good. We stupidly ordered the garlic bread...which tasted nothing like something covered in garlic and butter should taste. Retardedly, I ordered the pesto pasta, which tasted much like I imagine the inside of that weird creature that Han Solo put Luke Skywalker in: you know, really gross and totally not worth it even to save your life.

I wanted to just get the check, give a nice tip to the waitress who was super nice, and then run out quickly before the pesto ate a whole through my plate. Snappy wanted to chill out and devour a slice of (passable) pizza and four or five handfuls of TaunTaun-Belly pasta. Mmmmmm. That's good TaunTaun.

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

5 things you may not know about Snappy.

1. Her favorite muppets have always been Cookie Monster and Elmo, but lately Cookie has been pulling ahead. Mmm.

2. You know that part in Sneakers the Seaside Cat when the crab pinches Sneakers' paw? That part always makes Snappy cry. Loudly. (I think I'm going to hide that damn book.)

3. Her favorite songs are Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, The Itsy Bitsy Spider and Que Sera Sera, but will occasionally delight and amuse us by dancing to the gay dance station we listen to every morning...or the mid-90s alternametal on Daddy's Ipod.

4. If, for whatever reason, you were to ask her to name your new fashion line...or rock band...or BioTech company, she would most certainly choose the name BirdTrainDrum. Deal.

5. Despite all the books, classes, play dates, and fancy UCSF speech therapy techniques, Zelda has chosen Cat as her main language, followed by Duck. I think she really only plans to use English to talk about Mama or Rowl (aka the cat).

Friday, November 16, 2007

One mommy's trash...

When I first moved to this apartment a few years ago, I looked out the window and across the street, on the sidewalk, there was the cutest, wildest little muppet-in-real-life toddler banging away on a real, pint-sized drum set. So cute! So rock n roll!

Recently I looked out my window and noticed that that little rock star isn't quite so pint sized anymore.

Then. Last week. I looked out the window and spotted the little rocker's mom carrying those drums out to the curb. Huh? Free? Up for grabs! The coolest thing ever! A toddler's drum kit! Now, I know it sounds like a very, very crazy thing to want, but if you know my daughter, Sticks, then you know why I (stomache flu and all) ran down stairs and grabbed my noise-polluting little treasure before Sunset Scavenger carted it of.

I'll be hiding it until Sticks learns the difference between "indoor drumsticks" and "outdoor drumsticks", but she was OVERJOYED when I brought it in the door.

Friday, October 26, 2007

I'm so proud

Today at the park our Miss Snappy was crawling around at the feet of some older boys (3...maybe 3 and 1/2?) trying to get them to include her in their fun games, when one of them, clearly not interested in an infiltrating baby, kicked her lightly in the bum. Now, I say lightly because I don't want anyone to think that I just let preschoolers kick my baby. If it had been a real kick, Mr. Footsie would've gotten the Tsk-Tsking of his young life...believe me. But it was so soft, I wasn't sure she felt it. That is until she turned around, arms raised in her typical "I am under attack, please pick me up until all danger has passed" pose. I was about to do just that when she spotted the culprit, and, apparently, decided that she could take him and smacked him in the head.

I honestly don't know where she gets it.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Just call us Marina Grrrlz

Those who know me, know my reputation for hating on Marina Girls. From writing nasty web articles about them and the over-priced bars they frequent, to attending parties and administering drunken tongue lashings to anyone who says the words "Banana" and "Republic" more than once in a five minute conversation. So you can imagine my fear and loathing when I took Snappy to a music class in the Marina (anyone who has seen the "sticks" vid on MySpace knows why I had to do that). After class, we walked to Chrissy Field (god, they even name their public parks Chrissy...what next? Kaitlyn Wetlands and Nature Preserve?).

It was smoking hot weather, and the tide had created the perfect little toddler swim area. So perfect in fact, that while my little snappy was running around in a bathing suit...a lot of the moms were letting their little water addicts go commando. Wow. Skinny dipping toddlers. Pretty awesomely laid back for the Marina! Especially when you compare that experience with the moms who complain when I let Snaps play in the water play area at GG Park's Children's Playground because then their kid will want to do it too(Hey, don't blame me because you're not smart enough to bring a towel and bathing suit) or because she splashes (hey lady, you're standing in a pool of water at a you think you might....just might... get splashed?) Morons. (Oh. and btw, when your kid is having fun...let the kid have fun...don't keep saying "do you want to do this? Do you want to go there? Do you want to try this?" It makes you look like an idiot. Just let your kids play. Even if they're not doing something that is fun for you.)

Damn those Marina Moms for proving me wrong! I hope the water is just as fine next week.

Saturday, October 20, 2007

The most adorable time of the year.

In just one short ridiculously adorable week, Snappy went to Half Moon Bay to frolic with babies and pumpkins and hop into a wheelbarrow with one of her baby friends, got dressed up as a bumble bee for a 1 year birthday party and dressed up like a wee mauve fairy rose/vert for the baby loves disco...too cute...brain going into cuteness overload...must look at something anti-cute. Quick. Someone email me more pictures of Britney's beave.

Oh and did I mention the fluffy bunnies? Yeah. She played with fluffy bunnies.

Monday, October 8, 2007

The Sister's Shower

My friends and I just threw my sister a baby shower and it kicked ass. The theme was tea party, but I drank Maker's Mark because it is the color of tea. Smurf and Muppet made fabulous food and Cherry and Dotty did the fabulouso decorations.

For funsies, we painted onesies with little designs like piggies and flowers and teddy bears and pegacorns, but the only shower game we played was the baby quiz because I was supposed to bring the diapers for the "candy bar in the diaper" game which was too bad because Smurf remembered the candy bars. (I'll post the baby quiz later.)

For now, here is a picture of the vegan chocolate dipped cupcakes I made.

Friday, October 5, 2007

Ren Faire

This blog is also late. But Snappy went to the Ren Faire in Golden Gate park last month and tried to join a guild. Here is a picture of her finding a treasure chest.

I know I know

This blog is so late. But these are the pictures I took when the red hot mom group took the tour on Miss Ri Ri's birthday. And her mom is right. I don't update this blog enough. I wish I could train the cat to do it. He doesn't seem to have anything to do.

Trust me...we're going to need this diaper genie refill. Maybe we should get two.

Monday, July 9, 2007

No title can describe it

This is an actual conversation. I'm using aliases to protect the innocent. You'll see why:

Mrs. X: Oh...there wasn't a poopie in that diaper after all.

Mr. X: Must have just been a stinky fart.

Mrs. X: She gets that from you.

Mr. X: Oh come now! I'm sure there are plenty of people in your family who have stinky farts...especially the one called "Chili Farts"!

Mrs. X: To be fair, I was only related to Chili Farts through marriage!

And scene.

Friday, June 29, 2007

The Science of Snappy

Snaps went to the UC Berkeley Infant Studies Lab yesterday afternoon on the day before she turned 13 months. This was important because she was participating in a human development study about memory in babies from exactly 12 months old to exactly 13 months old. She'd been studied before in February for a Visual Cliff and Moving Room study. I guess she did okay with the moving room study (all she had to do was sit in a chair and react...piece of frickin' cake...I mean come on. I could do THAT), but not so with the Visual Cliff... It was a crawling study. And in February, Snaps wasn't crawling per se...she was doing this :Hey. She got around. But for the Visual Cliff study they have you stand on the other side of the room, call the baby. If the baby crawls over a cliff* to get to you..then she loves you...or isn't afraid of heights. Whatever. Snappy wasn't having any of it. She just slapped the plexi-glass and giggled. They offered to give her a make-up exam. Pfft! A make-up exam! She was humiliated. (Humiliated...or tired and cranky...I'm not sure, but she cried all the way back to SF).

So yesterday was the day for REDEMPTION. A baby vs. grad student rematch. The challenge: memory. The test was designed, the 12 year old grad student explained to me (seriously, is it me or are young people getting even younger? Kids today!), to find out if babies who are constantly being told things like "don't go here" and "don't touch that" actually remember what not to touch and where not to go. Great. Of course Snappy remembered "no kitty". No kitty No kitty No kitty! The thing was that her need for kitty overwhelmed her need to please her mother. A moral dilemma she often loses. No. Not often. Always. Still. I'm sure she remembers..because for a split second before she grabs the cat's ass...she hesitates. Unless I'm already coming after her...then she does not hesitate but instead grabs cat ass faster and with more gusto because she knows she won't have time to savor it. I explain this to the researchers but they decide to go ahead with the study anyways.

So in the first part. Snappy sits in a chair and two "toys" are dropped from the ceiling. The researcher points to one toy and talks about how wonderful and fun it is while ignoring the other. Then we take a break...Snappy laughs hysterically while playing with a ball...and it's back to the chair. The toys again descend and the researcher sits perfectly still and hangs her head down (it was eerily reminiscent of that scene in Blair Witch Project...not the oft parodied shnoogie scene but the one where the dude is standing in the corner and you don't know if he's alive or dead). Will Snappy go for the the right toy? She does. And then she goes for the other toy so she'll have one for each hand. And then she decided the researcher was wrong about the first toy and dropped it. Free will having won was on to the next test.

This is a test you might have seen before, it's the one where they put a toy under a piece of cloth and then see if the baby remembers that the toy has gone under the cloth. The baby is supposed to show this memory by picking up the cloth...thus revealing the toy and the baby's own briliance. The problem with this test is a little game called Peek a Boo. Snappy saw the toy. She liked the toy...sure, but when they put it underneath perfect squares of baby-head-sized cloth...she couldn't resist. She picked up the cloth and put it over her face, so that I could say "where's the baby?" Because she knows how I love to say "where's the baby?" Almost as much as I like to say "there she is! Phew. I thought she was stolen by a dingo."

The researcher smiled and said, "a lot of babies do that." Really? Do a lot of babies play peek a boo? This test was unfair! Just before I stomped off to petition the supreme court for a new memory test that doesn't discriminate against babies, the researcher said we should take a break so that Snappy could play with more toys and I could fill out more paper work (they had a list of about a hundred words...I was supposed to say which words Snappy understood. I think she understood about four of them. I claimed that she understood about 65...including hard words like tomorrow and werewithall). While I was lying on her behalf, Snappy refused to play with the toys. She wanted to sit in my lap and beg for my pen. There are only two things I won't let Snappy play with: pens and knives. Because if I will leave a semi-permanent mark to tell the world of my lax parenting.

"Say," I say. "Could you do the test with a pen instead?" A pen? Sure why not? So they set up the test again. This time Snappy was on point. When they put the pen under the cloth she immediatly picked it up and grabbed her prize. They tried to fool her. They put it under a different cloth. Snappy wasn't fooled. They put it under one cloth and then quickly moved it to another, different cloth. Still Snappy was not fooled! If the cap had been offthat pen, she surely would've scribbled WINNER across her forehead. (So it was a good thing it was because that would've been hard to explain.)

She was victorious! In your face, science of human development! Just to show that there were no hard feelings, she waved baye bye to the researchers when she noticed we were leaving. The researchers were pleased...once I pointed out that she was actually waving bye bye because her bye bye wave is pretty subtle. She's a very nonchalant baby. Which is why, on the BART ride home, no one else noticed when she waved bye bye to each and every person who got on or off the train all the way from Berkeley to the Daly City. Then she celebrated her victory by eating cheese crackers and throwing a fit when it was time to go back in her stroller. I guess she thinks strollers are for losers. I said, "Oh no Snappy. Strollers are for closers! Strollers are for closers."

*Don't worry. They put a piece of clear plexi-glass placed over the cliff. Like in that Cars video. Magic.

Monday, June 11, 2007

Who and The What Now

Those of you who know me know that I've always gone back and forth on whether or not The Who is a good band. Oh no doubt---they rock! Their rockingness has been well documented...and still, there's just always been something really really sucky about them that I couldn't put my finger on...or back up when trying to explain to a Who fan why I know that, yes, they rock...seriously and completely...but I still hate them.

Then...Snappy went on her first BART ride. I looked around and noticed a young white college-age dude sitting quietly and reading a book. Now this wouldn't be odd, except that is the very same BART ride I wrote about earlier...the one with the crazed homophobic Red Sox fan threatening to beat up the scrawny, wimpy A's fan. Exactly! Reading quietly? Does he think he's better than the rest of us? Some drunken red-faced Boston Brawler is screaming things like "Jaaaaahhhhhsh Becket! Jaaaaaaaaahhhhhsh Becket! What ah you? Retahded? Nick Swishah is gay. Gaaaaaay!" and this guy doesn't have the common courtesy to look up and make snide comments under his breath with the rest of us?

Just when I was about to grab him by his shaggy blonde hair, physically turn his head in the direction of the Theatre des BART and say, "What? You think crap this good is going to look at itself?" when I noticed he was reading the Celestine Prophecy. Okay, so yes there was indeed a big drunk idiot who eventually ditched his friends in order to follow a pipsqueakean A's fan off the train in order to "settle this"...but reading Celestine Prophecy in public?! This guy was the biggest tool on the train. Yes. This guy with the shaggy blonde hair...proudly sporting a Who t-shirt.

I rest my case.

Saturday, June 9, 2007

Another broken-hearted Red Sox fan is born.

We took Snappy to her first Red Sox game at Oakland. Poor thing. She just hated seeing Daisuke getting absolutely no run support and Lugo living up to his legacy of always bringing the opposite of the clutch hit...again (and against DiNardo WTF?). But she did great and lasted all nine innings and the BART ride home. The only time she cried was when the crazy homophobic straight-outta-Dorchester Red Sox fan loudly and drunkenly threatened to kick the ass of a wicked retahded As fan. (And, really probably did if the As fans weren't smart and/or sober enough to alert BART police that they had just been followed off the train by a couple of menacing Back Bay types with Yankee Stadium-sized chips on their shoulders). Poor baby.
At least she smiled for the cameraphone.

But that was the last of the badness...except that in my determination to keep the baby happy for all 9 scoreless innings, I let her play her favorite game=baby goes backwards and hangs upside down= waaaaay too much. I had to get grandpa and two (count 'em) Aunties to come and take turns changing a baby's diaper while I was laid out flat on a heating pad in a BenGay haze. Mmm. Minty.

Friday, June 1, 2007


Daniel is still either the Devil or, more likely, one of the Devils minions...a bitchy snooty little minion, but I called my bank and had them dispute the charges. To do that, I have to close out my debit card. That's not the problem. The problem is that now I'm obsessed with revenge. I can't help it. They're just such schmucks! I wish that I could know for sure that there is a special extra hot and burny spot in hell reserved for business execs who put in place evil customer service policies and the soulless little suckers who blindly carry those policies out. If I knew that they would fry extra crispy for all eternity, then I could sleep better at night.

I wish I were joking. I really do.

Monday, May 21, 2007

Daniel from Crunch Fitness is the Devil

I don't even have a contract with them anymore and they're still charging me and they won't STOP. And Daniel the twit who answers the phone was such a jackass, I told him that if it was policy to give people the run around to please give me a break because my baby just had surgery (shameless...I admit, but true). He gave me no break. Just attitude. So I screamed as loud as I could. Hung up and then sent an email to a contract lawyer, Danny's superior, every consumer watchdog group I could think of. And I filed a formal complaint with the Better Business Bureau. Don't mess with a tired mom while she's holding a fussy baby...just don't do it.

New Book for Your Friends

I haven't even read this book. But the title makes me giggle. I just love people who talk about what kind of parent they'll be BEFORE they have kids. And then they have the nerve to judge your parenting style. (Oh..and by love, I mean not love!)

Uh oh. I think I used to be one of those people. Damn it! Oh the shame! The shaaaaaaaame!

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Fun with choking hazards

Bored? Try going here and see how many of your baby's toys made the list. What? The Parent's Mag cellphone? But that's the only thing I can trade for my actual cell phone. How bad of a choking hazard is it? Really? Come on. If I threw out all Snappy's recalled toys, she'd be stuck playing with a cloth teething doll (that she hates) and her feet (which she looooves). Wait...What? They recalled the Laugh & Learn bunny? Nooooo. Sure he's loud and annoying, but that's what calms crying babies. His nose falls off? Pfft. So the did the volume knob on her Sleep Sheep, and I still put that baby-soothing little sucker into her crib every night. Why can't they recall that damn cloth teething doll so I can get my 15 bucks back?

Tuesday, May 15, 2007


The website has been updated! Now maybe crocheted sweater vests will come back in style!

Getting Ready to Roll

Great googly moogly is it ever hard getting a brand new baby-type tour written and semi-memorized while taking care of a baby...especially one getting and recovering from cleft repair surgery (can I just stop for a moment and thank the Universe for supplying baby tyco and the Muppet Show on DVD? Thanks Universe. I owe you one.)
Strange but true, we're finally getting ready to start the Easy Rider stroller tour. Robert Mac (the power to be at Foot!) is doing the promotions. He's also working on a new Foot tour and hiring new guides to give it, and (hopefully) finally updating the website. If he does actually update it...this will be the first time since the 70s. Which is weird since we didn't even have The Internet in the 70s, but yet still....true.
I'm memorizing the script, fine tuning the route and tragically messing up my grand idea of laminating my pics. (don't ask) Also, I've decided that instead of walking alllll the way down to the damn thing; we'll just use the magic of pointing to look at the Zeum carousel. The ramp to get down to it is like something out of Raiders of the Lost Arc. Every time I walk it, I keep looking over my shoulder for the giant, rolling boulder. And if you trip the wrong wire, sharp sticks pop up...some of them with corpses still attached. Besides, you have to walk through the playground...might be too tempting for toddlers.
On the bright side, I've got my Easy Rider playlist pretty much done. I'll be posting it soon. Oh...and Snappy is way ahead of all of us. She has her butterfly toy, kicked off her socks and is ready to go.