Tuesday, November 8, 2011

And now a word from our sponsor...

Hey my four fans! Looking good, Mom! So, I'm real busy doing this crazy Novel in a Month thing, and I just don't have time to blog right now, so instead, I decided to make a little cash (.004 cents to be exact) by renting out space to advertisers. First up, the good folks over at Hooker Toothbrush. Take it away!

Hey Kids!

Did your parents give you a lollipop infected with Chicken Pox and other stuff (possibly Hep C, definitely Cooties)? Are you in a never-ending hell of calamine lotion and oatmeal baths? Do you have thousands of itchy red bumps covering your entire body, even your tushie and wing wing, but you parents have the nerve to tell you not to scratch?! Did you spike a fever so high, it melted part of your brain, and now you've changed your dream school from Harvard to "something with air-conditioning or air-conditioning repair"? Well get back at them South Park style with the new, improved

Hooker Toothbrush!

Just send a tweet that says "I'm itchy as hell, and I'm not going to take it anymore" (be sure to add the hashtag #hookertoothbrush), and we will send you your very own toothbrush infected with all kinds of nasty stuff (possibly Hep C, definitely Hep B). All you have to do is replace your parents real toothbrush with our skankified one.

Oh, and no, don't feel bad. Did you know that the CDC says that between 100 and 150 people die as a result of Chicken Pox every year? Not a big risk, but your dumbass parents happily took it just so they could look cool at their All-Natural Holistic Mommy Group. Oh, you didn't think they did it for you, did you? You're covered head to toe in calamine lotion, bits of oatmeal and scabs. You look like pink Swamp Thing. Come on, get real kid!

*Actual toothbrushes probably do not come from an adorable old-timey prostitute like the one pictured. In reality, they most likely brushed the nubs in this gal's nob hole: