So you were just born, huh? Well guess what.... F*ck you, baby! That's right F-asterisk-C-K-U because everything here sucks: the environment, the economy, schools, roads, the two-party political system, and, now that House is gone, network television. Oh...and lattes are all either too hot or too cold, dogs smell really bad when they're wet, and potato salad has too many variations. So, yeah. It's sucky here. But, if you haven't heard, moms also suck. But what about your mom? You know, the owner of that opening you just tore apart like it was a birthday present? Does she suck? Probably. Most of them do. But how can you know for sure. Don't worry, babies. I got you....
How does she look?
Go ahead. Look at her. Open your eyes first. Eyes are those two weird holes in the middle your face. No. Not those holes...stupid baby.
Like she's about to die.
Ooh! Not good. She didn't get an epidural or any of the other fun drugs offered to her. That means that she's probably a hippie...or a vegan. Or even worse--a vegan hippie! You will never know what candy that isn't sweetened with raisin syrup tastes like. You will eat your first Lunchable at the age of 18...you will love it. No doubt about it. She sucks, but she's sucking for "your own good", so you can't really do anything about it except rebel when you finally grow up. Might I suggest opening up a non-sustainable chain of pork skin restaurants...or voting Libertarian?
Calm and happy.
Ouch! That does not bode well. If she's calm, it means she gladly took that epidural and possibly some, and probably all, of the other fun drugs offered at pushy-pushy time. She must be one of those selfish, slacker moms who occasionally think of only themselves. She will always pick you up late from soccer or ballet or dandelion scouts or whatever...assuming she actually signs you up for all that crap. All of your birthday cakes will be from the grocery store. Your name will be misspelled on most of them. This type of mom is easy to get back at with a taste of her own off-brand medicine. Every year, send her a Happy Mother's Day text three days late. Spell "mom" wrong.
She looks like this:
Don't panic. Just grab the nearest cellphone and call CPS. You know what a cellphone is, right? You don't? ...stupid baby... A cellphone is like a play phone, only when you call 911, Elmo usually doesn't answer. You don't know who Elmo is? Jespus Crisps! What are they teaching you kids today between the vag and the OB's gloved-hands? Listen. Just try to roll on the floor. If horror movies have taught me anything, you will instinctively slither out the door...into the sucky, sucky world. (A sucky world that has just been made even more sucky by a rampant, slithering newborn.)
Yep. All moms suck. And you know what's even suckier? Besides the slithering-away option, you can't do a damned thing about it. You are stuck with her and her suckiness. And the terrible thing is that you will have no idea how sucky she is. You are a stupid baby who doesn't know who Elmo is. You'll think she's just great--misspelled cake and all. More than great. Awesome, even. That's right, this sucky woman is going to make you love her more than anything...more than raisin-syrup candy (which you will learn to love quite a lot right up until you discover Kit-Kats)! And guess what? It's a life sentence. You will never stop loving this awful woman. Face it. Your mom sucks. Now suck it up and get some sweet skin-to-skin with her, you stupid baby.