Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Eight Parenting Styles More Annoying Than Attachment Parenting

Is this you?

Oh yeah. Ha ha ha! Yuk it up. Everyone loves to make fun of attachment parents since Maggie Gyllenhaal's brilliantly succinct one-sentence anti-stroller rant in Away We Go, but the truth is that all parents (myself included) are annoying. Deal with it, breeders. All of us fall into at least one of the following parenting styles, and they're all annoying.

Helicopter Parents

Yes. I know the fire is hot.

Everyone calls them Helicopter Parents, but I call them Navi Parents after that little fairy in the video game, Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, who follows Link around everywhere he goes and says, "hey listen!". I hear you people at the playground all the time saying, "Hey listen! That slide is wet!" or "Hey listen! I need you to put on a sweater!" or "Hey Listen! Don't play in the sand. It's dirty" and I want to say, "Hey listen! The kid is going down a freaking slide, it's not like she's fighting Ganon. Back off a little." Your exact opposite is....

Predator Parents
No one expects Predator Mom!

No one knows whose kid that is until you suddenly emerge from the foliage just as the little bugger is about to fall off the monkey bars. I know this style is annoying because I am a Predator Mom, and I've startled a few nannies in my time by emerging from the dark corners of the playground. Sorry, unsuspecting nannies! Similar to this style is....

Mick from Rocky Parents
A little Bactine will take care of that. 

So what you fell off your bike and opened up a gash from your eyebrow to your elbow. So what you just got pushed off a baby swing by a two-year old on steroids...GET BACK IN THERE, ROCK! Your exact opposite is....

Kid in a Bubble Parents

You know who you are. You don't let the kid leave the house unless wrapped in bubble wrap--preferably spf 100 non-toxic, carcinogen-free plastic. Although I have morphed into a Mick mom, I must admit that before the age of 12 months, I was a Kid in a Bubble parent. Here is a shot of my 11 month going on a walk for the first time with someone who was not me or my husband: her grandpas. 

Please note: There is a stocked diaper bag, a blanket and a wind screen on the stroller on what appears to be beautiful day. Also, I somehow felt that she needed both of them--like just one would surely screw things up. Also, right after I took this picture, I instructed both of these seemingly grown men on how to cross the street. I'm not proud of it.

Tiger Parents

If you fail, I will claw your furry little ass.

If your kid has soccer practice on Mondays, violin lessons on Wednesdays and hates soccer and the violin...you are a Tiger Parent. Deal with it. Your exact opposite is....

Hippie Parents
Sure they're having fun. But none of these purple flower children are going to Harvard.
They've never gone to a real school, or worn socks, or eaten refined sugar or met a puppet that wasn't homemade or arty. And vaccinations? Forget about it. Is this the right way to raise kids? Who knows, but one thing for sure: all these kids are going to grow up absolutely hating carob. And then there are...

Bad Seed Parents
I have the prettiest mother. Everyone thinks so. Huh? What dead handyman?
Oh no! Not your precious little darling. Sure he just roundhouse-kicked a toddler off the merry-go-round, but you're sure that that baby provoked your perfect little angel. Your child will probably end up murdering someone with a pair of tap shoes. Deal with it. Your exact opposite is....

Parent Dearests
How many times do I have to tell you! No Hello Kitty dresses in the toilet!

If someone else's kid kicks yours off the merry-go-round, you wonder what your little bastard did to deserve it. You somehow find a way to blame all your problems on the fact that your kid can't stop putting her Hello Kitty dresses on wire hangers. You should just chill and be glad she doesn't toss them on the floor, or in the toilet, or out the window.

What's your style? If you're like me, you're a little bit of all eight, which is good because, when it comes to parenting, if you're not annoying somebody, you're not doing it right. Deal with it, non-breeders.


Jody said...

Love. love. LOVE this. Especially Navi, or as I call her, Nintendo's Answer to Clippy. Speaking of whom, I'm probably most her. I say "Hey!" and "Careful!" WAY too often.

Allow me to also add the Online Parent. The ones who go on message boards, blog, and when anything is even slightly in doubt, reach for the keyboard for consultation, and then feel pleased that I'm not as screwed up as All Those Other People. And I am absolutely, 100%, that.

Mrs Dzo said...

LOVE this. My daughter is only 4 months old, so I haven't had a lot of time to really find my stride in any of these styles.

Right now my parenting style is more "Sure hope I don't kill her" with "I can't wait to get her back for keeping me up all night" thrown in.

babypusher said...

"Right now my parenting style is more "Sure hope I don't kill her" with "I can't wait to get her back for keeping me up all night" thrown in."

Oh yes. I adopted those styles. I'm still planning on grounding her when she's sixteen for "stuff you did when you were two."