Ophiuchus Daily Horoscope

Well last week, my favorite astrological sign, mine, was hijacked. Some jerk sent out a link, a bunch of other jerks (myself included) forwarded that link and suddenly every Sagittarius born between November 29th and December 17th was this new sign, Ophiucus: the snake handler. Snake handler? How the heck do we go from The Archer, a guy who carries around a bow and arrow and, I assume, shoots other constellations, to a guy who touches icky things. Is that what happened? Did The Archer get busted for popping an arrow in Capricorn's ass? Fricking goat had it coming, I'm sure, and yet still we are the ones who are punished.

Yes, true or not, I consider even the implication that my sign might have possibly changed to be a punishment. Why? Because no one is writing a daily horoscope for Ophiucus (supposedly pronounced Oh-fee-you-kiss). What am I supposed to forget to read for months on end? How am I supposed to know what lottery numbers I should play in the unlikely event that I actually buy a lottery ticket? How am I supposed to know which days are good days to let my aura shine through for everyone to see? Am I supposed to guess? Screw that.

That's why I decided to take matters in my own hands and create my own Daily Horoscope for Ophiucus. First, though, I need to change the stupid symbol. Since the symbol for Ophiucus is supposedly a guy holding two snakes (Um...ew! What is he? Hill people?), I figure we can extrapolate that to be a guy with snakes for hands. Much cooler, huh? Yes, but I think it could be even cooler, while I'm calling the shots, how about we just turn our symbol into Bruce Campbell from Army of Darkness. Here, isn't this better:

Daily Horoscope for Ophiucus

After a week of feeling like you've been kicked in the tender parts, Ophiucus, things are starting to look up. Today you found a hilarious blog post that makes you feel better about your miserable life. Today would be a good day to let your aura shine, but for Christ's sake, don't let anyone see it. Today is also a good day to shoot zombies in the face, but come on, Ophiucus, isn't it always a good day for you to shoot zombies in the face? It is. Your lucky numbers are 5, 2 and a schwa with an umlaut.