Happy Homemaking Tips for the Angry American

Today, Easy Rider has a guest blogger: Fern Fergleson. I owe her money based on a bad bet I made back when I was positive that Bush would be a one-termer just like his dad. Fern is wanted in a few states, so she would only let me publish is this one photo of her cat, Limbaugh. Fern Fans can catch her in Road Trip to Pluto the SF Fringe Fest on Sept. 16th. She might be doing something with people, or pod people...I'm not sure which.

Hello America! How are ya? It’s me, your faithful patriot Fern Fergleson. Big news, Fern fans, I had to change the name of my podcast, “Tea Party” because me and the rest of my Tea Partiers just couldn’t get along. For one thing, they made their ham salad with light mayonnaise (and we all know light mayonnaise is a communist plot to lower the cost of health care by prematurely unclogging America’s arteries). For another, they are all strict anti-abortionists, while I firmly believe that abortions should be mandatory for all communist fetuses. Now, old Fernie is no dummy. I know that you can’t tell by a sonogram if a baby is going to be born a communist, but I know for a fact that an amniocentesis will show that kind of thing right away. You can’t hide pinko, not even in the womb. Sigh. Gosh, now the only members of my branch of the Tea Party are myself and my cat, Limbaugh (who is also pro-pinko-abortion and anti-light mayo). I call our new show, wait for it, dun duh daaaa!!! Tea for Two! How lol is that, Americans?

For now, the good folks here at Easy Rider have let me piggy-back on their weird little blog. Okay, it’s time for some happy homemaking tips! The other day, I received this troubling question:

Dear Fern,

I recently orchestrated a heinous, vicious, cold-hearted terrorist plot against our totalitarian government. How do I break the rap?

Sincerely,

Maligned in Michigan

Oh gosh, Maligned, I don’t know if I can help you. Ever since our presidency was stolen by an Arabian pinko-commie from Kenya with a forged birth certificate from a fake state (Hawaii? I don’t think so. American states have snow, Americans!), decent people who want to break the law to fight totalitarianism are suddenly treated like common criminals. It is so darned unfair. Those poopy-head pinkos will use any excuse to throw us real Americans in jail. I ask you, real America, what is worse: totalitarianism or killing totalitarians? Totalitarianism, by gosh! Now, I’m not sure what totalitarianism is, but I’m sure by-golly that it is killing our once great country just as surely as Ellen is going to kill American Idol!

Now this next question is one that Fern can actually answer because it’s about housekeeping: my specialty.

Dear Fern,

Spring cleaning time has rolled around again, but I’ve been too terrified to even start polishing my silver gravy service set. This whole thing started when those commie liberals passed their Armageddon-and-pork-ridden health care bill. How can I focus on cleaning when the world is going to end soon? Help!!!

Signed,

Messy in Massachusetts

Jeepers, Messy, I can tell by the three exclamation points that this spring cleaning fiasco has got you in quite a tizzy! Here’s a little happy homemaking hint: just throw your fine silver in the dishwasher with an open jar of Tarn X and wait. It comes out a different color every time: like a gumball machine. What fun!

Now I’m going to need you all you little Fernatics to just cool your jets about this health care bill. Here is what I know for sure about it:

1.    It is full of pork, and not the good kind like ham salad, but the bad kind like ham salad made with light mayo.
2.    It kills old people.
3.    It legally requires all American citizens to get an abortion, a gay marriage and a Toyota.

Here is what I don’t know for sure, but I can pretty much guess:

1.    It will cause milk to sour and wheat fields to wilt in fields across this great land.
2.    Its reflection can’t be seen in a mirror.
3.    It legally mandates fire, brimstone and frogs to fall from the sky and for a cloud of locusts to cover the earth.

So you see, Messy, there is plenty to be just scared spitless of, but if you’re going to die, wouldn’t you rather face your maker with sparkling silver? It’s like I always say, behind every filthy house is a hell-bound housekeeper.

Okay, I have time for one more letter. This next one is from my own home state of Minnesota! Go Vikings!

Hey Fern,

Was that you who broke into my house and left a needlepoint sampler, stitched with the words “Die, Baby Killer”, in my foyer? I’m sure it was. I just want you to know that I’m pressing charges.

Al Franken
U.S. Senator, Minnesota

Dear Commie in the Capitol,

First of all, that was not me, but if it was, I would be able to send all Fern fans who send me an email with the words “baby killer” in the subject line with their very own Die, Baby Killer needlepoint pattern (please include hoop size and name and address of the baby killer you would like to terrorize).

Second of all, I can see someone hasn’t been paying attention to America’s own blue-eyed messiah, Glenn Beck. Oh gosh, he just gets cuter and cuter the crazier you liberals make him. I mean, my, my! I’d let him lift my red white and blue apron anytime. Sigh. Where was I? Oh that’s right, if you would listen to Glenn hunky Beck you would know that you pinko commie liberals deserve everything that is coming to you because you are using totalitarian tactics and anyone who uses totalitarian tactics deserves a mailbox full of anthrax…and squirrels…radioactive squirrels with Swine flu. (Want to do it yourself, Fernatics? Gosh, just send me an email with the subject line “mailbox of death” and I’ll give you your own radioactive/flu-ridden squirrel recipe: high-altitude instructions included for all you mountain folk.)

Oh, and third of all, you have some nerve calling me a thief, Mr. Senate seat stealer, we are still waiting for our third re-count. Besides, if you didn’t want me to break into your house, why did you leave your windows breakable? Hmm?

Well, that’s all for Fern! I’ll leave you with this: a great American once said, when they crammed a health care bill down the throat of my neighbors, I said nothing because I really didn’t know them all that well and also because they leave their Christmas lights up past New Years. When they crammed a health care bill down the throat of my friend, I still said nothing because I was kind of tired from my gardening aerobics class. But when they crammed a health care bill down my own throat, I still didn’t say anything because I couldn’t talk with all that paper in my mouth.